A day in the life: Depression

I did one of these for generalized anxiety disorder so I figured it's only fitting to complete it's twin - depression.

Relax, there's no need to get the tissues out, this is an account of my personal journey of navigating my mental health in the hopes of helping others. People often think depression is sadness and people always ask me why are you depressed or why are you sad. It's not sadness. It's almost like your body refuses to go into gear and shift to the mood of happiness or contentment.

Being depressed doesn't mean you cry all day nor does it mean you walk around glum and droopy. I'm good at hiding it with my personality but it's been taking a toll on my mental wellbeing and I have to be honest with myself. I'm grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life and for the countless blessings that I have received. With that said, I have bouts of depression and anxiety. It became more apparent when my mother passed in June 2015 and has been relentless in blocking all my happiness since that time.

In the beginning my symptoms were more in my mental state and it didn't affect me physically for instance I didn't sit around and cry all day or anything of that sort. You feel like you are in a trance like state and you can't seem to get out of it. Most days I have to push through the day, telling myself that I will reward myself at the end of the day with my favourite snacks so it gives me something to look forward to.

The symptoms of depression differ from person to person. Some people are able to express their feelings and other people become numb and emotionless when the episodes kick in. In the beginning of my journey, it was all in my head. I used to overthink and that escalated into being depressed because I was overthinking. I would go crazy overthinking about my family and their time left on earth that I couldn't enjoy being in the present.

For me, I become numb to my feelings but because I'm three months post partum, things have escalated to greater heights. The hardest part of being exposed to depression after having a baby is that post partum depression kicked in with immediate effect. I thought I might get lucky and maybe, just maybe it wouldn't find me hiding in the corner. But it did.

What do you do when life gets heavy. By heavy I mean you feel like you are carrying around this backpack full of bricks or walking 10kms with soaking wet clothes. That heavy feeling within your chest that doesn't seem to go away. You don't have that much responsibility compared to others but you feel so ... Heavy. You feel like a 110kg person that can't breathe easily and you feel like you are in the slow lane as all the beautiful cars pass you with great confidence. It's like you want to be at the top of your game but your mind is at war with your body.

I have so many things to be grateful for so why can't I release the heaviness? I am blessed beyond measure with love around me all the time but I can't appreciate it. My mind is constantly fighting with my heart in a battle where I seem to always lose. My heart wants to be happy but my mind tells it otherwise.

There's no reason, no trigger, no keyword to bring the feeling on and no viable explanation for the way it feels and try explaining it to someone... The worst! I have come to a point today in my life where I'm exhausted. You cant see it and I won't show it unless you know me well enough but I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of my mind holding me captive and narrating how my life should be without it consulting with my heart first. Sometimes it feels like the overload of emotions is just too much and at some point the kettle is going to boil over.

I don't think people really get it. I totally understand why. The word depressed is used carelessly and frivolously as if it's an adjective. It is a disease. One that you cannot see, one that you cannot easily heal and one that is often misdiagnosed. It's pointless talking about it because the moment you bring it up, the person assumes it's just sadness and "it will be ok", but will it? Will it really be okay? If so, when? I'd like an estimated time of departure because I'm quite sick of it now.

When you look at your life are you happy or content with your life? Really look at your life and when you wake up each morning and settle in to the day, do you experience happiness? What does that feel like? I'm starting to forget slowly. There's days we're the tears just want to flow but I have trained myself to not shed a tear because I have always thought crying is weakness. Crying is not a weakness. It is a release that helps alot.

I don't know when this feeling will end or when I will feel better again and to be honest I don't know what it's like to be like everyone else. Since the loss of my mother, the light within me has dimmed to a low hue and all I want is to be surrounded by as many lights as possible. Although this road is very difficult, it is very tiring and it feels like never ending, I have faith that one day - it will get better.

Nobody says it out loud. Maybe I say it too often but I don't care - awareness is important. I know I'm not alone in this and I know there are others out there and my only wish is that for anyone suffering right now as they read this, they know they aren't alone.

I heard God gives His hardest challenges to his strongest warriors, but I don't want to be strong anymore - I just want my life back.