A day in the life: Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Mak wakes up in the morning and gets ready for the day. She showers and feeds her three impatient cats. The baby is crying in the background but thankfully she is not alone and is being comforted by her father, Len. The morning rush begins as she juggles cleaning up the house end monitoring her baby as she sleeps next to her Nan. It’s time to take her medication and she could not be more relieved. 

Some time passes and Mak becomes slightly quieter and eventually stops making idle chit chat with her beloved family. She doesn’t even really make much effort to take her baby from her Nan (grand dad) and notices that she has this weird feeling in her throat, almost like you took a panado and swallowed it with no water. She drinks a ton of water but the feeling refuses to pass. Then the irritability starts of with everyone at home moving at a glacial pace (there’s no reason to rush but the slowness is my weakness) and this causes you to just do certain things by yourself – thereby causing further irritation. 

Mak’s throat starts to feel weird again and it starts to become harder to take deep breaths or breath normally in general. She reaches for the anti anxiety pill hoping this will solve her life’s problems and she will be able to exhale normally again. Some time passes and the palpitations and throbbing in her chest is still there and each time she tries to take deep inhales and long exhales her body doesn’t allow a full exhale. It’s like you have to take two exhales which is frustrating because deep breathing is supposed to help. 

Mak nervously reaches for another anti anxiety pill because it’s getting worse and now she has a headache from all thoughts running through her mind like “I hope I can make this deadline” or “I hope today is a good day”. She pushes through and gets started on lunches for the day and slap whatever is easiest into the air fryer and hope for the best. Her mind and heart are racing whilst she tries to pay attention to her household as they talk about the previous day or about something that happened earlier that morning. She is there listening to their words but she just responds with generic phrases hoping that the anxiety fades away. 

It’s time to get ready for work and she can’t decide what to wear. Everything in her cupboard doesn’t make sense. There’s so much in there but yet she chooses the same outfit because it’s the easiest and most comfortable. Palpitations and shaky hands start to bother her and her chest begins to ache almost like she is having her heart beat out of her chest and land on the floor. It’s make up time and with those shaky hands the mascara smudges and she becomes frustrated at this feeling. 

The frustration, the impatience of everything, the heart racing and the hands trembling – she is quiet. She doesn’t want anyone to know because it’s just harder to explain than to feel. Off to work she goes and her mind now becomes subdued. It’s almost as if the anxiety has sucked the happiness out of her and she is left feeling empty and almost emotionless yet begins to tear up. “When will this end?” she asked, hoping to get an answer.

Whilst driving to work she tunes in to a radio station – there’s something about radio and TV that make you feel like you are listening/watching at the same time as so many other people that you feel less alone. You know there’s thousands of others tuned in.

Mak, a sales specialist, meets with customers and before getting out of the car, she does the same thing all the time – “Alright, it’s game time. Smile and soon you will feel better” . She goes to each customer  and listens to their complaints about their jobs and lives (this is where she completely disassociates) and may have a few complaints about your company, so she frantically helps and goes about her day.

As the day goes on, the anxiety slowly disappears but the low mood sometimes persists causing Mak to fake every interaction so that nobody knows exactly what she feels. On the way home, a list of things form in her head of what may need to be done and how tired she is already. She gets home does what she needs to and the racing heart starts all over again. Now what? Now what do you do? You took your medication as you were supposed to and kept busy but it’s still there. 

Luckily Len comes home from the office and helps with what’s left of the chores and helps with everything Mak couldn’t get to. The day is almost coming to a close and dinner time comes and goes. Lying on the couch Mak scrolls on social media and becomes restless and the anxiety has now moved to her tummy causing her to feel butterfly like feelings (but in a bad way). There’s days where she feels like getting out of bed is impossible and whilst brushing her teeth she can’t stand up straight. Although she feels her absolute worst, not a tear is shed. 

Unfortunately, she trained herself that way, to pack away emotions which is why when anxiety manifests in a physical form it’s something completely new and unpredictable.  During the evening she has some chats with Len but its brief and most of the time she isn’t fully paying attention to what is being said causing her to forget completely by the very next morning.

“It”s not fair to Len for me to behave in this way but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t have the words to explain the way I feel or why I am so restless, moving my legs up and down on this sofa”. 

Slowly but surely she notices the medication working and she is able to express herself abit better, so she does. Often rambling about something, she talks about her day and just lets Len know about the anxiousness, but she does so very briefly. Finally being able to exhale normally, she starts to feel better but dreads the thought of night time where everything is dark and nobody is awake. 

Hearing a vehicle pass by is such a relieving feeling because you know that someone else is awake just as you are especially nights when the insomnia becomes worse. 

The moment she wishes Len good night and turns over to her side, there’s  a moment in her mind where she goes, “Okay, it’s just me and you now”, the dark night has arrived. Whenever Mak feels good, she notices the beauty of nightfall however, when the anxiety and depression takes over, the night can make you feel more lonely and way more unsettled. 

The alarm goes off (either the human alarm or your phone) and the day starts all over again. You wake up, brush your teeth and the palpitations start all over again. You hope and pray it’s better than the previous day, but only time will tell.

Here's to more day is the life content.

See you soon.

Till next time