A day in the life of a new mom

Hardly any sleep, pain from the birthing process, changes in your body, a howling baby and let's throw in going back to work - a recipe for a very unsuccessful mental health check in.

Don't get me wrong, a baby is a gift sent from the heavens above and they are the purest form of love you will ever have. Looking into those big eyes everyday melts your heart and their contagious smiles and laughter make you warm and happy. There's also days whereby it's not like that. There's days where you wish those big eyes would slowly close and fall asleep for as long as possible and for their cries to be on mute. I sometimes wish my baby came with a reset button, I have checked and it doesn't exist.

Being a new parent is one of the most toughest and rewarding journey's you will ever embark on. You have this new little human that is a blank canvas and how their portrait comes out is entirely dependent on their upbringing. If there is one word to describe my 3 month old, I would say she has been challenging. It's not easy being a mother. It's not easy to have gone through the dramatic changes in your body literally overnight and you are expected to now look after another human whom is entirely reliant on you.

If you previously had mental health problems, they come back stronger than ever before and usually it becomes more difficult to treat. You don't have time to meditate, you can't go to the gym and most of the time you are at home because taking babies out of the house is a whole other ballgame. Your entire life changes and so does your relationship with your partner.

Having a partner that is understanding, helpful and uplifting is extremely important, which is why I'm lucky.

Bearing that in mind, I still struggle with depression and anxiety and recently BPD. I remember driving to work feeling like my chest was about to pop out of my sternum and all I wanted to do was cry - for absolutely no reason at all. I knew my baby was in safe hands and finally work was going well. So, why do I feel this way? I suppose it's a combination of lack of sleep in conjunction with hormones that are probably fluctuating like lotto numbers.

You are handed a little human being that you brought into this world willingly yet you feel negatively instead of being grateful for the wonderful gift you received. It's a horrible feeling. It's horrible because you are grateful and you do love your baby, but there's moments in the day or maybe for the whole day, you feel overwhelmed, panicked, stressed and absolutely exhausted. You constantly feel like you are running a 100m sprint and in this way, you lose the precious time you have with your baby whilst they are still tiny and new.

You feel guilt for feeling this way because everyone you meet asks you the same question "How is baby?" Although that is a valid and absolutely correct way of showing interest in my life, sometimes I don't really know how to answer that. I respond with the generic answer or something simple and I usually change the topic. It's almost as if my mind does not want me enjoy these moments with my precious baby and it's robbing me some extremely important times... Nobody ever asks the mother "How are you?" I think its such an important question to ask because the mother of the baby is going through more than you would think.

I wish it was as easy as focusing on the positive parts of the life I live but when I have anxiety, focusing on anything is impossible. I should be thankful for my greatest gift but I struggle to fill my cup in order to feed my baby with love and light and happiness. There are days where her screams become so loud and unbearable that I can't help but feel extremely frustrated and anxious because I don't know what she wants.

Post Partum life is not for the faint hearted and it's a journey that seems to be taking forever to resolve. It's like a vicious cycle that is on a continuous loop. One small tantrum that your baby throws pushes you over the edge and you all you feel is helplessness and irritation and you just want this baby to stop. You just want the baby to stop crying, to stop screaming in your ear and all you want is for them to go to sleep so you can put your feet up even if it is for ten minutes.

Being a parent is a tough and rewarding journey. The tough parts are really tough and the rewarding parts are well and truly rewarding. I guess because I have a Pre existing mental health disorder, I feel worse than most women and usually other women recover pretty quickly. Those women are probably reading this thinking Ahh it's not so bad ... Well for me it is.

The moment you come home from work you don your mum cap on and its time for your second job to start. It's always a rush. I guess that's just how I am, everything must be done quickly and without wasting time. Thankfully I have help because if I didn't I would be in a hospital somewhere lol. Bed time used to be my favourite time of the day but I'm always trying to stay awake so I can quickly prepare bottles and change diapers when she wakes up.

A baby is the greatest blessing you will receive on earth, but if you are like me, mentally weak, it can be the hardest time of your life. Don't get taken away by the glamorous portrayal on social media regarding taking care of a baby - they only show you a glimpse of the day or of their lives. If you are someone that has a history of mental health issues make sure you are ready and off medication before taking this step. This step is the biggest one you will ever take.

Having a solid support system is what keeps me going. My husband and father are my biggest support and without them I would be completely lost. Nobody ever shows you the reality of having a baby and I don't blame them - it's not something that's easy to share but at the same time you can't only show the good. I figured I'd share the good, the bad and the sleepless nights ....

Hopefully things get better soon and I am able to be the best mother I can to my precious little girl.

Till next time...