Death: Volume 2

The grieving process

So, volume 1 was heavy to say the least (it was heavy for me too). It’s something not many people talk about and it’s something very difficult to digest. When you lose someone you love or even knew on a friendly basis, it’s never easy, and there’s no actual guideline that you are handed with when death comes knocking on your door. Grief takes years. Grief takes decades. Grief takes time.

Sometimes I find myself looking up at the sky (assuming that’s where God spends most of His time) and just giving an occasional “really?”, almost as if I expected a reply. In actual fact, when we look up, we have this feeling of not feeling so alone. When we look up at the sky, we have this weird reassurance that God is right there looking at you. Religion begs to differ as religion strongly supports that the Big G is omnipresent. Big word right. It basically means God is everywhere. God is present each time you pray or take the extra vodka shots and God is also there when you feel alone and at your lowest. God must have high levels of Zinc and calcium.

Anyway, when we look up at the sky, we actually look at the people that used to be standing at our side. The people that we laughed and cried with. The people that we cried for the last time they left in that long-dreaded hearse. We actually look up for those guys, well at least I do. I have this constant burn each time I reach for a “Peter” almost as if my mother can actually see me (gosh, I can feel it now as I exhale). When someone you love dies, a part of your life dies with them. I mean this in the most important way because it’s something you need to know. A portion of their existence in your life (in their physical form) will never come back HOWEVER, memories and moments will be ingrained in your memory for the rest of your life.

The thing about grief is that you can’t explain it to someone that’s never felt it. It’s like explaining the meaning YOLO (you only live once) to a cat. Grief is a dynamic process with days where you feel everything and absolutely nothing… all at once and days where you feel like you are completely okay. I remember having this recurring dream of being confused about which parent I had actually lost and waking up from it realising that I can hear my dad with YouTube on the highest possible volume (due to his hearing) and realising that my mom was the one actually gone.

There’s no handbook, there’s no manual and there’s no “Frequently Asked Questions” section. However, there is a section of people that feel the need to judge how you grieve. Ignore them. You owe nobody an explanation. The only thing that happens is that your body goes into this weird phase where you just take it day by day and respond to your peers with the same sentiment. You go to work and keep busy but when you go home, it feels like you are back to reality. The person is still “gone”. I honestly believe that we do not fully comprehend the magnitude of losing someone you love until days or even months pass. It hits you from nowhere and you don’t know what to do.

Grief is a walk you have to take alone, well at least in the beginning. You have to let the emotions flow in the ugliest way possible so that you are able to heal in the most beautiful way imaginable. Yes, you need support, however taking time alone (in a healthy way) is extremely important. You need to go to a beach and have a good scream or just cry in the middle of the living room. You need to release your pain in a healthy way and honestly, if you can’t that’s ok too because a lot of people tend to become numb or emotionless in the initial stages of grief. I always tell my friends and family to “feel what you need to feel” because being strong for everyone is going to get you nowhere. Holding in your pain is not healthy and numbing your pain by taking intoxicants also isn’t healthy. I don’t expect you to collapse everywhere bursting into tears in Dis-Chem when you see their favourite shampoo or at the local Grocery store when you pass the Coca-Cola aisle. However, holding your emotions in for long periods of time can make you miserable.

We need to break this stigma of psychological assistance. Really, people need to stop using the word in a negative connotation because I take that very personally. If you need professional help in navigating grief and if you feel like you have taken steps back in your journey, book an appointment with a professional or go to your local hospital that offers the service and seek help. People can go for breast enlargements and nose jobs, but therapy is given this title of lunacy by the ignorant public. It’s ok to talk to a professional and it’s ok if you can’t do this alone. Here’s the big secret, you don’t have to! Do you know how many times I have read some rubbish publication about grief and thought “ah this person thinks taking a walk helps?” Technically it does because you are able to keep your body in motion and divert your mind to all the beautiful things around you like the trees, the fancy car you will never own, things like that.

Our family and friends (although can give real crap advise sometimes), can only be there for a certain amount of time. They have lives too and it’s up to you to basically “save yourself” and by me saying this I don’t mean everyone is going to abandon you, I just mean that a lot of your healing will involve yourself. With social media, there’s so many support groups I have personally come across (although some are questionable). Don’t take it personal if a friend can’t respond to your messages on time or don’t feel bad if people don’t visit you as often. It’s nothing personal. It’s life. Life is going on with or without you. It’s horrible isn’t it…

Making peace with your loss is extremely difficult and it involves intense work and oftentimes, it takes years. We always want to blame the doctor that messed up or yourself for not doing enough. You can look for every possible reason why this had to happen, and you will not find any… because this is beyond your control. Death is beyond the scope of your mere human capabilities my friend. It didn’t matter how early you detected the disease or how the day would have gone differently if you had just… it doesn’t matter. It never did. It would have never changed the course of nature and the course of our time on this earth.

When I look at my journey, I did not do any of the above and it definitely caused destruction to my overall mental and physical health. I guess that’s why I’m here really, to try to share my experiences so you don’t have to take the trouble! Letting go is a strong statement. It doesn’t mean delete the person from your memory. It doesn’t mean forgetting how much they mean to you or how heavily they impacted your life. Letting go is saying “ok, your work here is done and now it’s time for you to rest…”

Looking at the state my mother was in at the time, I did not believe that she would have been able to live the decent quality of life that she had deserved and in a way that brought me some kind of peace. I didn’t want my mother living in this world of disease and darkness that we find ourselves in because she didn’t deserve that. Working in the medical industry for over 10 years I’ve had the unfortunate experience of watching people deteriorate over time and watch their loved one's scramble to fix everything. It’s okay to try to “fix” someone but you can’t heal them.

Grief is a journey. It is not a place you plan to stay at. When I say this, I mean, cry your little heart out and then go “ok, until next cry” and complete whatever task you were doing. Grief is more like little pit stops that you experience in the day or in your life, but it does not define who you are. It is a representation of the love that you once shared with someone that was so magnanimous that it requires years of work to navigate a life without them being present. There is no map, no compass, no lighter to even make a fire but there is enlightenment at the end of the tunnel that you will find however long that may take. There are times when you just cry because you dial their number by habit and realise, they’re gone and there’s times you laugh at all the stupid things you would do together and reminisce on the good old days.

Talk. Talk as much as want to whoever will listen to you! Talk about them in the most absolute detail that you feel their presence in every conversation. I honestly do in fact believe that my mother is very much with me in spirit, sometimes it’s like the lady never left. Lol. If you believe this too then it’s all the more reason to talk to them. I remember getting my BCom results and literally going to my mum's photo and said “Dude I passed!” Surround yourself with the right people. Make sure that they are actually listening to you when you talk so you don’t feel like you are talking a whole lot of nothing to a potato. Make sure you surround yourself with people that are are gonna let you cry and also gonna make you laugh. Don’t ever feel guilty for laughing (I had some issues with that), you feel like the person is gone now so you gotta be sad alllllll the time. No. You don’t have to be sad alllllllll the time. YOU are still here. YOU still breathe. YOU need to live and know that you have something so precious that nobody else has… a special angel in heaven (unless they sold opioids then yikes).

 

If you or anyone you know suffers with their mental health, advise them to seek help.

I hope you found this insightful, if you didn’t, shame 5 minutes wasted.

Let me know your thoughts and don’t be a stranger! Until next time J