My experiences with post partum depression

As I type this, my heart is pounding and I’m disassociated with reality – this sentence took me four times to type out because I kept making errors and couldn’t find the right words. 

Post partum depression was definitely on the cards for me because I have pre-existing depression, so when I gave birth I knew it was going to be one hell of a ride. 

Post partum depression affects approximately 67% of women and can vary in it’s severity in different women. Sometimes, it lasts a few weeks and goes away. It’s sometimes even referred to as the baby blues. The instant drop in hormone levels after birth sets into motion a wild rollercoaster of emotions and it feels like it’s never ending.  

It’s quite horrible isn’t it? You have this new baby that has come as a blessing in your life and yet you feel completely detached and unlike yourself. You almost feel like you are losing yourself each day as you hardly have time to groom yourself and all you want to wear are ugly yet comfortable clothing. You have this gift from the heavens above and instead of being grateful for every single moment, there are times when you just want to scream at the top of your lungs. 

I become extremely overwhelmed when my baby cries and I can’t soothe her. There’s times when I mentally check out, especially when her cries are piercing my ears and when that happens I just sit there rocking her and whilst she cries almost in a daze until my father comes and takes her from me. 

Today for some reason, it’s hitting me harder than other days and I wish I knew why. In my previous post I spoke about depression and the causes etc, but for me it’s a chemical type of depression, that doesn’t need a trigger and doesn’t need a specific event for it to come on. I spent most of the day lying down, loathing in self pity, trying to catch my breath each time I got down to doing chores and cooking. Some days are like this and some days are less terrifying.

I can’t soothe my baby when she cries and that makes me feel like an absolute failure. She doesn’t feel better with me because I don’t feel better within myself. I’m about 11 weeks post partum and I’m praying for some divine intervention because double dosing on medication is not helping nor is it a solution. I’m tired, anxious, isolated and all I want to do is be in a corner somewhere. 

These moments are supposed to be precious, Soori is supposed to share her first laugh with me and she is supposed to feel better when I hug her. I can’t say it’s completely not my fault because I’m not making the effort. I don’t feel like trying to get to know her abit better. I don’t feel like talking baby talk to her right now. I don’t feel like snuggling and I don’t feel like connecting. I don’t feel like picking her up and just stealing her from everyone to have my own time with her and I don’t feel anything when she cries. All I do is pacify the situation with milk or a burp.

That’s a horrible, horrid and horrific thing to say and way to feel. As a mother, I’m supposed to have it all together. Her grand dad isn’t supposed to be her favourite, I am. I’m supposed to be with her all day everyday even when she is asleep. That’s what society says anyway. I feel like a gap between myself and my baby that’s growing bigger everyday all because of how I feel. I have taken the steps to get help, I’m on medication and yet I still feel this way. 

I feel empty because technically I am. Soori is out in the real world exposed to other people as compared to before when I had her to myself. Back then I struggled to form a bond and it feels like it’s happening all over again. I wouldn’t wish this feeling upon anyone and I wish it never existed. 

Today, I went about my day quietly and went unnoticed because there’s times where I don’t like to talk about my feelings when it’s at is highest point. With my chest aching, mind racing and my hands trembling I’m sharing this story with you. The last thing I would ever want is “attention” or whatever. I’m sharing this because there has to be someone somewhere out there is this world that feels or felt the same way.

The hardest thing to accept is that nobody really understands something like this unless they go through it. They feel like they need to snap out of it or not let it “get to them” as if this is something I have chosen. One day I woke up and said “Today I want to be miserable” and that’s how my day goes. 

Giving birth to another human being is a miracle on it’s own. The scalpel going deeper and deeper into your skin as you lie there and then feel the pressure of a baby being pulled out of you, all whilst you are supposed to smile for a photo and get stitched up at the same time. The blood pours out of you with no warning or time to prepare yourself. Your stitches feel as if they are going to tear open even with the slightest movement but your baby needs you. There was no time to heal so what do people expect? 

There are some days that I look back at those moments and think if I could do that, then I could do anything.

These days I don’t feel that way and I am easily defeated even by a single cry from my baby. Post partum depression has robbed me of so much already and even though I am trying my best, there are some days that I can’t being myself to be there for her. She’s growing each day and my biggest fear is missing out on the small things and the big things. 

Tomorrow is another day and I’m keeping the faith that this cloud is lifted off me and that I can be myself again, whoever that is. Losing your identity in the process is something I have never experienced until now and I hope that soon, I overcome this storm and be the best mother I can be. 

To anyone going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you.