My personal journey with anxiety

I can’t really pin point where exactly anxiety started in my life. I know I was extremely anxious to drive to work everyday and I used to get anxious to actually go to work (because the people were shit – some of them). All I know is that when my mother passed away 10 years ago, it became more apparent. 

I felt the need to put on the cap of taking care of everything and everyone so that everyone was ok and that I had to be the strong one – that hurt like a b.... 

I felt this responsibility much like I did in my matric year to be the strong one in my family and to hold things together. I remember in my matric year I did everything I could to be the easiest daughter to both my parents. I did ok at school and finally stopped getting into trouble. I felt this heavy responsibility to be someone that they can trust and one that held things together because of circumstances. My family endured some difficulty and I felt the need to be the daughter they didn’t  have to worry about. My only goal was to make them proud and if it meant missing out on being a careless teen then so be it. 

I think that’s where it started. My need to be the perfect child that did what my parents wanted and make sure that they were always happy. We didn’t always have a happy household. We did encounter lots of struggles. Fast forward to adult hood my main aim in life was to be able to afford to take care of my parents and I was able to try to because I started work when I was 21 – a year I was supposed to be out having fun. At 21, my job entailed having a patients life in your hands so it was quite serious and I didn’t have the carefree years like everyone else my age. I do remember that as an adult I had this obsession with time. If I went anywhere, I felt the need to be home by a certain time or I become extremely anxious. I feel like that to this day.

I had this dreadful feeling every once in a while and I didn’t really know what it was. I would have racing thoughts about my parents falling ill and dying and I would overthink until my brain was fried. When my mother passed away, I immediately went into fight mode and took charge at home, thereby neglecting my own healing process. I would overthink and micro manage every single detail about my dad’s health and pray endlessly for his well being. There were nights I would toss and turn even if he had the normal flu. 

Fast forward to after marriage, my anxiety peaked for no reason at all. During lockdown, it became worse and depression joined the party and did not rsvp. The feeling of not being able to live a normal life was taking its toll on me slowly and I decided it was time for some much needed professional help. I know maybe some of you are wondering what does it feel like to be anxious. During an attack (of recent years) it feels like you have a tablet stuck in your throat and no matter how much water you drink, its still there. It slowly then moves to the chest making your heart race abit and then finally moves down to your tummy causing you to constantly feel like you need the loo.

When my anxiety is at its peak, I have absolutely no thoughts whatsoever nor am I overthinking anything, all that happens is it feels like you are being prepped for open heart surgery and the device is opening your skin, revealing your chest. It’s like your chest is being torn apart because the palpitations are so bad.

My hands tremble and when I try to speak I fumble my words and stutter terribly. It becomes harder to exhale like how they exhale in those meditation videos. After trying every possible avenue, it was time for medication. I don’t care if people think I’m a pill popper or reliant on medication – they aren’t in my body and mind so they can sit down. The other day I saw a video on social media saying they will not speak anxiety into existence, do people actually think that anxiety sufferers choose this half assed life? I agree praying is important and listening to music that’s religious can help however when the music stops and the prayer has ended, you feel anxious again. You can manifest peace and ask for a peaceful life but nobody ever manifests anxiety.

Anxiety is not an act of the devil where you can just pray it away. You get peace from prayer, that’s undeniable, but it takes more than prayer to get you through those days of where you cannot breathe and even brushing your teeth is a problem. As I mentioned earlier, time was a factor in my day. If I left the house for recreational purposes, I felt the need to be home by 2:30pm latest or I’ll have an attack. I didn’t like leaving my dad alone whilst we did important grocery shopping – to me it felt like we were going out and having fun. My anxiety surrounded his well being but in a very unhealthy way.

Now that I have a daughter, Soori my anxiety has shifted. I don’t think about much anymore and my anxiety pops out of nowhere either when I wake up or during the course of the day. There was no explanation, no trigger – absolutely no reason at all for me to have this pain in my chest and feeling like I was drowning. It constantly felt like someone was pushing me into a pool at the very deep end and I didn’t know how to swim. I am grateful for a few things in my life. The first is having a stable home environment whereby there is peace and tranquillity. The second is having a supportive husband that understands when I tend to act out my feelings in a not so pleasant way. 

For those that suffer with this horrible disease, from my pounding heart to yours – I am so sorry you are going through this and just remember that with each breath you slowly flush away the negativity. The breathing exercises do help to an extent and CBT also does help depending on how aggressive the anxiety is. I’m not ashamed of admitting that I’m on medication because at the end of it all, the public is not with me during my attacks nor are they with me when I’m at my lowest. I know people criticise people who take antidepressants and anxiety medication but those people are irrelevant and have no clue what it feels like so of course they will tell you to try yoga or that natural calming medicine. I tried the Himalaya brand of calming meds and looking back now I was so naive thinking it would help me knowing I used to be on scheduled medication. I  was so in over my head.

As of now, being two and a half months post partum, I do feel like it’s back however some days are definitely better than other days and I have hope that one day it will pass and I will be free from the bondage of the disease and when I walk outside I can look up she sky and be extremely grateful to have the life that I have. I know one day when I breathe in and out I’ll be able to take the deepest breaths with no problem at all and live a life not governed by anxiety.

Well, that’s my story... 

Till next time!