My Post Partum journey: A Personal Account of Events

Ladies this one maybe for you but if you have a gent in your life get him to read this too.

Pregnancy is a ride all on its own. It’s like the spinning cylindrical thing at the fair where you can’t find your feet and when you get off all you want to do is vomit. It takes a complete turn when you actually give birth, be cut open mind you, and are handed this new human life that is completely dependent on you. Literally the day after giving birth, you are expected to get out of bed… yes get out of bed, and shower and get yourself cleaned up all while feeling like your bottom half of your body is going to separate if you move a little too fast. 

You bleed and bleed and unfortunately the poor nurse has to come in and help you whilst you lose whatever dignity you had left from the previous day. Eventually it’s time to go and you have to go home with this brand new human sent from the heavens above and looks at you with hopeful and confused eyes. The process of birth is beautiful, bringing new life into this world is miraculous and absolutely astounding. With that said, the journey after birth can be… not so nice or miraculous.

I am going to share my personal account of postpartum depression. It’s raw and real and something that women need to know more about and how to get the help they need. Considering I had pre existing anxiety and depression, I did prepare myself mentally for what was to come. The first few nights were terrible, baby cried non stop and she was still getting used to the new environment at home. Hearing the loud cries of my sweet little love in my ear was driving me crazy. Her screams combined with lack of sleep and pain at the c section site didn’t help the situation at all. The only thing that helped was my dear husband and my amazing father who both stepped in when I was overwhelmed. 

I struggled to bond with my baby and I struggled to connect with her. Some times her cries did nothing to my heart, which was the worst feeling ever. Shortly after giving birth I started a different round of medication which takes around a month to actually work in unison with your body and that was the longest month of my life. I was in a bad mood, often taking it out on the ones most dear to me until I opened up to my husband and without fear of shame, I said it out loud – I don’t have a connection with Soori as yet and I don’t know why. As time went on I did the usual things that mother’s are expected to do like giving her a bath and massaging her however, it wasn’t helping. I had sunset sadness. The moment the sun would set and the darkness kicked in I became anxious and overwhelmed about what was in store for the night. 

I looked forward to the mornings because I felt the world was awake with me and I wasn’t the only one awake anymore – strange isn’t it? I completely let myself go and looked terribly tired everyday even though my husband did his absolute best to give me as much time in bed as possible. I was just going through the motions of what needed to be done. I focused on all the unnecessary things like cleaning and laundry and making sure everyone had food to eat at home that I completely neglected getting to know my baby. Perhaps, secretly I wanted to do  those things to avoid my baby because I had no idea how to get to know her in the first place. Everything else came naturally to me except the bond between mother and child and that truly broke my heart. 

Can you imagine that I carried a mystery baby for 38weeks and when given the chance, I didn’t opt to soak up all of my baby’s mysteries. I hardly felt the urge to take out photos and post for my friends and family to see because my heart didn’t tell me to & I had no instinct to capture as many moments that I should have. For that, I am truly disappointed and feel like I missed out. As the sun  peaked through the clouds and I noticed people going on about their normal days work, I felt like it was a new start. It was a new start for me to attempt everything I could in order to develop a relationship with my sweet little girl.

So I did just that. Initially, I didn’t know where to start but I watched my dad and all he did was talk to her all the time. The baby voice in me didn’t come naturally and mine sounded quite awful to be honest. As time went by I got used to it and learnt nursery rhymes and often played them during massage time and sang to her when we were alone (poor baby had to hear me sing). It was still there, lurking and one day I experienced post Partum rage. Boy oh boy was that a trip. As usual I remember taking it out on my husband and as he always does, he was quiet and he listened to me and he asked me if I was okay. That’s the first time I opened up about what I was going through and what I was feeling and all he said was “tonight, I will take the night shift and you catch up on your sleep”. Honestly all I needed to hear but obviously I didn’t let him just handle baby alone although there was a few mornings I didn’t hear my alarm or he switched it off for me to get enough sleep.

I’m still going through it. This morning I ran out of one of my meds and I was a mess all day. I remember a few weeks ago, Soori just kept crying and there was nothing I could do to soothe her, my husband was at work and my dad had gone for a walk. I just remember holding and begging God to make her stop. The ringing of her screams in my ear were setting me off and the rage started again. I held it in because she is a baby and will never understand at this tender age. All I did was hold her and chant desperately “please stop” over and over again as I rocked back and forth trying to calm her and my anxiety. 

Another trigger for me is unexpected visitors. It’s like in my mind I have times in my head of what I want to do especially when it comes to baby and once I have done all that I recharge myself either by napping or by scrolling social media. When someone unexpected comes or a visitor in general, their first question is how is baby doing and although that may seem like a straight forward question, mine is rehearsed – “Baby is fine, growing everyday and is such a joy”. I can’t necessarily tell them I am in the middle of a mental break now can I. That’s the trigger with visitors, they ask questions, they need to be entertained and all you want to do is hide from the world for a while. I appreciate each and every person that had visited and I am truly grateful for that in my life.

The condition I have now will fade as time goes by however how I treat people now will never fade. I know things will get better and as each day goes by, with the amazing support in my household, I feel like I’m fighting this disease one day at a time. Sure, I have my days where frustration gets the better of me however I’m choosing to focus on how to make my baby the happiest baby possible. I want her to know that even though mummy is going through something my love for her knows no bounds and is infinite from now until forever. I have faith I will overcome this. 

Thanks for sticking till the end. It’s much appreciated. 

Till next time…