Part 2 : The sequel to Akeso

The sequel to my admission

During my stay at Akeso, I met some wonderful people. I met people from all walks of life and of all ages. One was a tired housewife who was struggling mentally because she felt so alone in her own home and the other, a high flying executive at a prestigious insurance firm. These people are people I could have walked by in a mall, a petrol station or a local farmers market and have no idea what they were going through.

You see, we don't have bullet holes with blood pouring out or bruises all over our bodies. We dont look crazy and thankfully I am able to practice good hygiene, so there is almost no way you would know the traffic in my head. Imagine you are in 5pm traffic and people are cutting their way into your lane causing you to move further down in the line. It's like that in my brain. There's too much traffic and not enough traffic lights to direct my thoughts, fears and anxieties which is why they collide so often.

People like us don't see a small problem as a problem and aren't able to rationalize the situation easily hence our panic attacks. We see everything as a catastrophic event and it looks bigger than it actually is. There's no room for looking at things rationally in our minds and every move a person makes that involves us makes us feel like everything is our fault. When I spoke to the 60year old mother of three she mentioned something that seemed small to me, she said "They don't even say goodbye when leaving for work". I have never experienced that because before I leave the house I always let my dad know - it's just a habit but to hear that something that may seem trivial to me can hurt another person so deeply. My heart goes out to her.

I also encountered some teachers along the way citing that their stress was both family and work life. They took me through their whole marking process and it changed my outlook on teachers (bless them) and made me appreciate them even more.

The saying is true "Walk in my shoes and you'll see" and it was extremely relevant with every person I met. I never stopped to realise what a stay at home mother feels like or how much pressure a head of department could go through. I never thought people with my kind of problems existed until I met them and heard their stories. Most of them go through life unseen or unheard and that to me must be the most terrible feeling ever.

I was very resistant to therapy and as I said in my previous post, I cried most of the time wanting to go home. I knew I could leave at any time but I went there for a reason - to get better. Obviously, I wasn't better and that's why I was such a mess. The adjustment to the facility was hard. I spent most of my time alone in the corner and didn't really want to join any groups of people until one day I sat down and heard the stories of people just like me. They also had babies and families at home and bore the same guilt of being away from them. You feel a sense of selfishness when you are there because you feel as though you have abandoned your family even though it's not a paid vacation.

As an outpatient I still find it difficult to face the court yard that was once filled with people like me because I don't feel ready to go back to that. I feel as though it's the past even though it's shaping who I am now. Some people have called me brave for sharing this for the world to read, I just see it as being authentic to my audience on this blog.

Navigating grief is something that is uncomfortable, painful but extremely necessary. You can't just push it under the rug. You have to go through the phases until you reach acceptance. Ten years have passed since I lost my beloved mother however, I didn't accept it as yet. There are so many factors and so many reasons why I got admitted that I'm not quite ready to say out loud. I will one day.

Depression is not just an adjective. It's not a description of how you feel if you are sad. It's not sadness. It's not wearing black all day and crying in a corner. It could be a well dressed person that's smiling and laughs at your jokes just to mask the true underlying feeling. It's much much more than that. It goes deeper into the corners of your brain and it dwells there. It robs of you of today and it robs of you of a life worth living. The sun comes up every single day without question and sets when the day is done. Healing is similar. You have to rise in order to rest.

I cannot fully explain the extent of my trauma but throughout my life I've always felt like I had to keep it together for my family and especially my wonderful father. It breaks my heart to see him watch me go through this because at his old age he should be living a care free life and one without worry. I can't imagine what it must feel like to see your child deteriorate and there's nothing you can do about it.

I kept it together for years to protect him from my struggles but I guess it caught up to me and exploded like an Afrox van being exposed to a lighter. I couldn't hide it anymore and I had to come clean and tell him in a way that he understands. If I didn't have the support of my wonderful and beyond amazing husband, I wouldn't be able to actually heal. It's still very early stages but I'm so grateful that I have a support structure at home that shows me compassion and love.

My stay at the hospital was not a very long one compared to my fellow patient friends but it was enough to break me and also find a way to heal me. It's nothing like you see in the movies, there's no long line of patients waiting for meds (unless it's after 8pm) and there's no scary gates locking you in. The hospital still gives me PTSD when I go in for my IV therapy but I avoid areas that trigger me. In therapy I learnt that my mother's death was one that I never accepted fully and I'm still stuck in 2015 navigating that time in my life. I remember once reading a quote that said "Losing your mother is like losing the sun above you" and I related to that more and more everyday.

I know I may not be okay today and I may not be okay tomorrow but I will rise again and all my wounds would be things I look back on and appreciate because if it weren't for falling rock bottom, I can't rise above.

If you are dealing with depression, anxiety, PTSD or any mental health condition - seek help. It is not a sign of weakness and it's not a sign of defeat. It's taking the step towards a better life. After losing everything (once good friends too) I realised that the path I'm on does not have place for them anymore and it's time to walk a different path, be it alone or with a group of people chasing a better life. At the end of the day, all we want is to feel the sunshine on our skin, the authentic laughter and the beauty of life. We want to feel the love we are receiving and we crave the peace that seems so far away. We yearn for a blank page, one without pain and distress and emptiness. We want another chance at life, almost like a redo so that we can catch up on all the time and happiness we missed out on. That's all we want, at least that's all I want...