The one that laughs the loudest, is the one hiding the most.

We all know that one person at work, at home, at school and in your friendship circle that is loud and rambunctious. The one that’s bubbly as champagne and smiles warmly every single time you see them. The one that is described as the class clown or the funniest in the team. We all know them. I could be one of them for some of you because I am guilty of trying to make a crowd laugh, or make someone feel comfortable in their surroundings. I also love being sarcastic and humorous – in a charming and endearing way. I tend to bring some light to a serious discussion and try my level best to convert a heated discussion into one that’s not so heavy.

World renowned comedians exhibit the same behaviour. When we think of Robin Williams, we associate him with belly aching laughter and the same goes for Jim Carey. If you look at their lives, it didn’t end very well for one of them and the other has completed changed his demeanour in public.

This happens when the mask falls off. When we can’t fake it anymore or when we just have reached a stage whereby we can’t put on the show that we are accustomed to. I can say from my own experience that, this type of behaviour is exhausting both mentally and physically. The easiest answer to any question you ask me when I’m having a bad day is “I’m tired”, a response that is the easiest and avoids the need to explain the horrid feelings you have.

When the mask falls off, we become almost zombie like and we tend to reply to messages later than usual (sorry about that) because we really don’t want to talk about what we feel. Most mental health sufferers choose to suffer in silence because we fear the judgement the next person will have against us. “You have a job so why are you depressed?” or “You have a happy family so why are you miserable?” Our emotional state of being is also questioned and there are people out there that just don’t understand what’s wrong with you.

Yes, we may have those things but sometimes all we need and all we actually want is peace. Peace in ourselves and peace in our minds. So, to avoid the essay explanations to someone, we rather choose to pretend like everything is normal by laughing and joking around or use our favorites excuse... “Its nothing, I’m just tired”. Tired in the sense that we feel heavy in own bodies and our mind is racing at 155km/hr with no control over our breathing and no control over the dread we face for the simplest of tasks.

The reason why we choose to be the funny one, or the fat one, or the colourful one or even the happy chappy one is because we don’t want anyone to feel the way we do. We are the greatest pretenders of our lives and every single day is like being on stage silently whispering “3,2,1... Action”. It’s like it’s always in us to put on a facade because we don’t want anyone to know what’s really going on in our minds and after a while we become better and better at it but it doesn’t last long. By the end of the day, our mind resets and we are back to crouching in the corner of the living room or sinking away on our couch as we barely pay attention to what’s on television whilst eating unhealthy foods.

We wake up the next morning and start the show again, almost like clock work. Can you imagine how tiring it must be to live like this? It’s not like we chose option A which was depression over option C which was pneumonia, it’s how our brain is wired and possibly a chemical imbalance that’s allowing the depression and anxiety to strengthen. I am a religious, spiritual and open minded individual and yes I do pray every single day about all my troubles and all my pain. I’m not saying I’m not being heard but there are some situations you have to fix by yourself. You just need to know how.

Each and everyone of us have the innate ability to defend ourselves against a possible threat of any kind. It’s in our DNA to retaliate if someone challenges us as well as defend ourselves against something or someone. If a thief came at you, instantly you would choose fight or flight – run away or straight up brawl. Unfortunately, when you have the threat of anxiety and depressive episodes together, you experience fight and flight mode. You are at war with yourself and you are also avoiding the problem you feeling within you. Adrenaline is constantly pumping during attacks and it becomes confusing to the brain and every other organ.

The aim of this blog was to shed some light on the reality of mental illness. It’s not crying in a corner in public or sitting alone and being quiet in a corner for everyone to see. Mental illness is not a person crying all day long and babbling about their lives. It’s experienced the worst by the people that hide it. The ones that neatly tuck it away in the back pocket until it’s time to have a good cry in their car when nobody is looking and the ones that go out of their way to look as happy as possible so that nobody knows their little, dark secret.

If you know someone that fits this criteria, keep an eye if them and observe them when they are alone in the kitchen making their coffee, staring into space as they gather themselves. If you are one of the class clowns that are hiding their true feelings then it’s time we claimed our authenticity back and live a life true to who we are.

Its time to end the stigma of mental health problems, but I’ll leave that for my next post. I hope you found this interesting and understandable and my only hope is they someone, somewhere can benefit from reading this so they don’t feel alone.

Till next time!