Unpacking PTSD

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

When we hear this, we think about soldiers that fought in wars with other countries, but it’s not just soldiers anymore – it could be you or myself. 

PTSD by definition is experiencing something extremely traumatising and being unable to heal or recover from the experience. In the past, war veterans experienced severe PTSD due to all the violence they witnessed and often returned home as changed individuals. If you think back to an experience that you encountered that was absolutely dreadful and traumatic for instance a robbery or home invasion or even a hijacking, you will remember each and every detail of the horrible parts of the experience. Some of it gets blocked out because we choose to block out core memories because it’s too difficult to remember however for the most part, we remember details of the event. 

These details could be the street you were hijacked on, it could be the criminals attire or the colour of their eyes. It could be what you were doing before your home was invaded or what happened to you whilst your home was vandalized. It goes down to the absolute smallest detail like what they smelt like or the sound of their voice. You remember details like this and unfortunately it haunts you over time. You no longer can smell certain colognes because it triggers you to remember that day or you can’t drive on the street the hijacking occurred. 

This is also considered a form of PTSD because it’s the trauma you encountered after a negative experience happened. Some people find it extremely difficult to even drive after their harrowing experiences and take long periods of time to build up the courage to drive again because they have the fear, it will happen again. People are afraid to purchase expensive jewellery that they like because they live in fear that their home will be invaded again. It even goes down to sleeping in the room that was targeted. It’s extremely hard for the person to close their eyes and feel safe. 

Let me share an experience with you that was traumatic for me. In 2013, my parents and I were coming home from the store when my tyre blew on the highway. My car flipped three times and landed in a parked position on the side of the highway. Unfortunately, my mother was in the back seat and she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt so she was ejected from the back seat through the back glass and landed on the side of the road. It was one of the worst days of my life considering I was driving. When I turned her over there was blood all over face as she landed face first into concrete. All I heard was slurring and mumbling. I couldn’t find my father but eventually I found him with his knee dislocated not far away. 

The very next day I had to use the very same road as the police station was in that area. The tyre marks were still on the road and the blood still on the concrete and we drove past I managed I get a glimpse of it.

I guess because I had no choice but to face it almost immediately the site where it happened is not a no go zone for me. I think because I faced my fear the very next day, it got easier and I didn’t feel scared to use the road in future however, the trauma of how I found my mother is still there. I can still see the couple that stopped to help us on their way from church and the face towel they gave me to help stop the bleeding from my mother’s forehead. I can also hear the noises my mother made as she choked on blood. I can hear the mumbling from her and her eyes closed shut. I can still see the glass pieces on her face and body.

I doubt these feelings will go away but it doesn’t feel as intense as it used to. It doesn’t make me feel upset or emotional as it did a year ago. A year ago I would never have been able to go into detail about that hot sunny Sunday in June. I remember the jumper I had on and a yellow cardigan that was covered in my mother’s blood. Thankfully my mother survived that and went to live for another two years. 

This is a form of PTSD.

Another experience of mine is my mother’s death and the lead up to her final moments. I still remember her silence in the car as I drove her to the hospital with tears down my face, glancing at her and she sat there and said nothing. She was completely out of it and experiencing symptoms of uremia so her brain functioning and understanding was completely out the door. She was delirious and had no idea where she was or what was happening. A week later she passed away.

I swore to never go back to that hospital for as long as humanly possible but yet again five months later my father was admitted and I had to face my fear and go back to that dreaded place. I had no choice but to go there and it was surreal for both my father and myself. The hallway passing the x ray department was dreadful to walk through and the ward my father was in was directly opposite the ward my mother died in. It truly was a tough reality I had to face. As time went by with each visiting hour, I slowly eased my way back into the hospital and forced myself to face my discomfort and trauma. 

I am sure that there is a core memory in your life that you can’t seem to get passed. Perhaps it’s a loved ones home that you can’t seem to bring yourself to visit because they are no longer around. It could be the supplements the person used to take. It could be the sound of an ambulance passing that gives you anxiety as you are triggered by a specific day. There is so many instances of trauma, even from childhood, that can still trigger you as an adult. As a child maybe you experienced almost drowning so now you are afraid of the pool or beach. You could have been in a motor vehicle accident or even experienced severe turbulence on a plane that has prevented you from flying again. 

We tend to ignore or avoid the places that these awful things happened at and the more we ignore it, the longer it takes to move forward. There’s no rush in this process so please don’t feel the need to head to the place of trauma and force yourself to face your fears and pain. It takes time and when you are ready to take that step, you will.

Other forms of PTSD can include interactions with people that when you think about now gives you shivers down your spine or you could even have anger towards them. It could be that you were assaulted either sexually or physically, you could have been abducted or you could have even had a terrible experience with someone with road rage. This is extremely difficult to conquer because it involves individuals and not places or buildings. It is almost as if you have to forgive them and leave them in your past and not let them have power over you anymore.

When you have trauma caused by another individual or group of individuals, it’s definitely harder to move forward because it’s not easy to forgive someone for assaulting you in any form. In this case, if possible, avoid these people completely and remove them from the trajectory of your life. 

PTSD takes years of hard work to overcome and sometimes takes longer than you would expect. It’s not a race to the finish line, it’s more like a marathon – take things slow and steady. I know many of you have experiences of your own that you have experienced trauma of any kind. I am sorry that you had this experience and are still dealing with it. You are not alone in this and there are so many people out there that suffer from PTSD that probably don’t realise it or just don’t talk about it.

PTSD is the literal translation to “Be kind because you never know what someone else is going through”. 

I hope this helped you to understand PTSD abit better and possibly help you identify if you suffer from it or not. Remember we are all in this together. Always reach out. You are never alone in this community.

Till next time.