What is "normal"

What does it feel like to be “normal”?

Everyday I ask myself this question and I look at people and think how wonderful it must feel to wake up each morning and just be normal, no anxiety, no depression, no overwhelming feelings and just be able to focus and concentrate on the beautiful day ahead. 

I envy those people. There I said it. I envy people who wake up and are just able to get through their mundane tasks in the morning with no nagging mental health issues hanging over their heads.

I look at people and wonder what it must feel like to get up in the morning and shower and be able to breathe easily, get dressed without trembling hands and drive to work whilst listening to the radio and getting on with their day. 

As I drive on the roads everyday, I see cars full of people engaged in conversation and I wonder what it must feel like to be able to have a conversation with anyone, instead whilst I drive, my palms are sweaty and heart is racing and I just want to cry. I don’t cry easily anymore because I kind of trained myself to not show emotions easily as I figured it would be alot easier than having to explain.

Everyday I wish I could know why I feel the way I feel and why is this happening still after so many years. I have been through all different rounds of medication, I pray often, I listen to devotional music, I have a healthy work environment and I have the best support system at home. Why isn’t that enough to heal me?

Most people probably read these blogs and think there is no way she is going through this because whenever I see her she is always smiling and bubbly and talkative. Boy oh boy, isn’t that pretending becoming tiring. 

I have put on a front for many years and there aren’t many people that know my journey – other than the ones that read my posts. I hide it very well but behind the facade I put out is a very tired and drained human being. This is one of the times I wished I had a plaster,

Unfortunately, post Partum depression does not come with scars or bruises on your body. 

I look at people everyday and most people have no idea what I’m talking about or can’t relate – which is good for them because, I wouldn’t want anyone to feel this way. Outside of being home, I feel like my life is somewhat of a lie or that I’m being pretentious because I don’t authentically smile or am interested in conversation. There are times  where I avoid certain people because I’m just not in the right frame of mind to hold a conversation because usually their conversations take for ever and I’m an anxious mess.

Depression has stolen enough of my life and I’m ready for it to be over now. I have tried to stand up to my mental health issues, announcing it is no longer going to define who I am and it’s not going to take over my life any longer – that lasts for an hour and I’m back to square one.

Under the care of the best psychiatrist in the world, we have worked together to try and fix this but it’s harder than we thought. Most people think you should just tell yourself to snap out of it or they may kindly give you words of advice of what to do. After trying everything I honestly feel exhausted. I’m tired of a life quite like this one and although I am so blessed in all aspects of my life, I can’t enjoy the blessings of God because of my mental state. Being a new mum definitely doesn’t make it easier and even with a strong support system, the post Partum effects are extremely strong. 

To people out there that wake up each morning and can make a joke or have a conversation with their family, or be able to breathe easily without palpitations and without wanting to burst into tears – what is it like? I’m sure it’s normal for you and you probably take it for granted but now that you know that there are people out there that crave that simple ability, I hope you don’t take it for granted anymore. For the people out there that can take a deep breath and exhale comfortably without needing to take a break, you are lucky. If there are people out there that never felt their hands tremble for no reason at all and have never experienced the feeling of a tablet stuck in your throat every day – you are blessed. 

That’s how I feel in the mornings. Before I know it, my throat becomes dry and it feels like I swallowed a large pill with no water. I have to keep drinking water for the feeling to go away however all that happens is that the feeling travels down my sternum and that’s where the anxiety peaks. I can’t remember the last time I was able to watch a series and actually watch it and be able to pay attention to it. Nowadays, I don’t watch tv to unwind because what’s the point of watching something and not being able to follow and absorb what I’m watching.

I long for the day I throw away all four antidepressants and never need them again. I long for the day I wake up, half asleep but able to make decent breakfasts for my family. I await the day I never experience 100s of butterflies in my stomach as I drive to work or perform simple tasks. I am patiently waiting for a day that I can appreciate all that I have and bask in gratitude without finding it difficult to break and have pains in my chest because my heart feels like it wants to jump out of my body.and fall to the ground and continue beating because at least it will have enough space to best without causing pain,.

Now this question is directed at the normal civilians. The ones that have no idea what I’m talking about – what is it like? What is it like to be normal and live the beautiful life that God has blessed us with  please free to comment on the chat below!

Till next time!