Why me?

I bet that thought goes across your mind at least once a day, once a week or even once every hour. You look for inspiration on social media and it’s the generic “God gives His greatest battles to his strongest soldiers”. Uhm, can You count me out God? Can you take me off that list? Draw a big red line across my name please? I’d like to unsubscribe, deactivate and cancel my membership for strong soldier consideration please.

Picture this, you are on your way to an important interview, and you have a puncture. Its pouring rain and your clothes are drenched, hair in a state and you know you prepared, prayed and even fasted for this interview. Is it a sign this job isn’t for you? Is it a sign that something better will come along or simply just a flat tyre? Either way, why me? You took five hours to finish a report that’s due today and just as you try to save the document, your computer freezes. No buttons work. No autosave switched on because you forgot in your state of panic. You have to start over.

You ever so passionately washed and polished your vehicle, and everything looks impeccable, so much so you take a step back and admire the masterpiece only to feel a drop – then a bigger drop. It pours after 11 days of rain in sight. Are you kidding me? Really? TODAY?! It’s what the best comedies are made off but you can’t help but feel bad for the guy. At least 10 times this year, you asked yourself “God, why me?”. If you didn’t, stop reading, your life is perfect and you can enjoy the bliss of luck and abundance that has come your way. This is by no means a post to motivate you, give you stats about how many people in the world have it worse off or bore you with the “It’s going to be okay crap” because sometimes you need to vent. You need to ask why me? That is completely okay and normal, and it does not reflect your lack of gratitude or appreciation for what you have.

Why do I have to go through anxiety and depression and couldn’t get the right doctor to help me when I boldly took the step? Turns out a normal GP sometimes works better than you would think. If I had only known sooner, my life would be completely different. You look at other people and their go with the flow life trying to imitate that mentality but all you do is go back to square one. It truly is a horrible, unseen, unheard and under educated disease. People are illiterate when it comes to mental health diseases because they have never been exposed to it.

This year was tough for many people, probably the worst for some and prosperous for others. It was a year of mixed emotions but the one that stands out for me is disappointment. I ask myself, “why me?” almost every other day and no you idiot, its not victim mentality – it’s called being human. Like I said earlier if you can’t relate, this post isn’t for you. Exit. Leave. Bye. The honest truth is you never will relate or understand. Life is going great for you – right now, but even when it’s going great – stop and give consideration to the people who don’t have that parent they can go to or that hug from their mother they so desperately need.

I’ve learnt many tough lessons during the why me phase. The biggest lesson is that people will always see for themselves. They will look out for their own (which is fine) before even considering what the next person is going through. Sometimes the why me lesson is that you learn the toughest lessons in life. You will learn about who would drive to you in the pouring rain to help you change that flat. You will be surprised who reaches out when you are in a psych ward and most importantly who didn’t show up for you. You will learn to remember to always put your autosave on – lol and you will learn it’s okay to start over.

This stage of my life that has made me question my identity, my circle, my purpose and my actions. It questioned my faith, tested my patience and kept me up at night. Nobody likes to learn lessons the hard way – trust me, I’d give anything to go back and change decisions that led to where I am. With that said, I think if I didn’t have so many “why me” experiences, I would still be the blinded idiot I used to be. Well, shields off guys – I see exactly what some of you meant about people that I chose not to believe. Sorry about that. Sometimes “why me?” is good because it puts things into perspective. It comes in like a level 5 storm unannounced and lasts for several months but I guess at some point it must end right? It cannot rain forever. It cannot be dark forever and unless you choose to light that candle, that’s exactly where you will stay. It’s okay to ask, “why me?” and it’s okay to feel like it’s pouring when all others see is a little drizzle.

Your feelings do not need to be validated by anyone. You don’t need anyone to tell you that what you are going through is small or your own doing. If people have already done that, they aren’t your people because they don’t know you and never knew you. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to ask why me, it’s okay to feel that way because you know what – God gives his biggest battles to His strongest soldiers. So, God, if you are not on leave yet, take me off that list.

Please?