Your mental health and adult friendships

So before I delve into Pandora’s box of goodies, I’m completely open to hearing your experiences and also if you agree or disagree with the following post. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get on with it.

Adults friendships and how they affect us mentally is one of the contributing factors to ones overall state of being. Growing up, friendships were easy: we would have lunch with Alia today and tomorrow have lunch with Sammy. It was no big deal because everybody was friends with everybody. As we entered high school, we found our cliques and carried on, living our best lives. It changed though when we became adults. Suddenly, we don’t have much time as we used to because life happens and we just have to deal with adult shid. 

Maintaining adult friendships is extremely difficult unless both sides understand the demands of adult hood as well as requiring the least amount of maintenance for the friendship to work. You can’t be 30 years old and expect to have a friend that is going to be on the phone with you every day or one that visits you every single weekend. If you are single, I suppose it’s ok however if you are courting or married to someone, this kind of arrangement would never work. 

There’s nothing worse than losing a best friend because it’s something that cannot be replaced and friendship is the basis of every other relationship that exists. In this day and age you need easy going and chilled friendships because life happens and it happens whether you are ready or not.

Let me share a personal experience with you so you understand the concept abit better. I had a good friend that I would visit every weekend with my partner (now husband) and we would all chill and hang out at each other’s houses. After a while, my now husband, reminded me that we barely do things as a couple and we need to spend time together to bond and to just enjoy each others company. I opened up to my friend about it and she felt offended and upset because she didn’t agree with him. 

Personally, I agreed with my husband because he was right. In adult hood, you can’t be spending all your free time with a squad and no alone time with your significant other. It’s just unhealthy. She became offended, words were exchanged and we never spoke again. I became absolutely depressed and felt like someone had literally died because that’s what it feels like. Losing a friend to a misunderstanding or disagreement feels like mourning the loss of a loved one.

Then you also have some people that are friends with you as a matter of convenience or to make themselves feel or look better. In their eyes you will always be the designated, ugly, fat friend and they always have a one up on you whether it comes to their looks or their material attributes. It takes a toll on your confidence and soon you start to feel like a supporting character in someone else’s box office hit. It’s like you will always be the Robin to their Batman or the Nicole Richie to their Paris Hilton. They will always be the star whilst you sit there and pump their ego because mentally you feel like that’s how it’s supposed to be. You don’t have confidence to be Batman and you feel like you don’t have the sass to be Paris Hilton. Let me tell you a secret ... YOU ARE THE MAIN CHARACTER.

You are the star of your own show. You are the oscar winner of your own life because your life is separate from your friendships. You will always be an individual and not identify as a group even though you may have a group of friends. 

It’s extremely hard to find meaningful and easy adult friends because there are extremely narcissistic people out there that want to believe that you owe them your time, your energy and your availability at the drop of a hat. Nevertheless, there are occasions when your friend will legit need your help and then by all means get into your vehicle and make the trip however, make sure it’s not a habitual thing. Friendships also require boundaries. You can’t have a friend call you at 4am crying because her boyfriend broke up with her for the 44th time in one year. You also can’t have a friend that needs nurturing and refuses to do anything to change their situation.

As we get older, responsibilities change and priorities change. It’s just a part of life and life goes on, with or without you. There is almost no time to do certain things anymore and it’s nobody’s fault – it’s life. Time for anything, becomes like a roll the dice moment because you need to figure out what is important and start there first. A friend that doesn’t understand the concept of time and adulting  is probably not in the same predicament that you are in. They could be single and alone or they could be in a relationship that’s not as serious as your own. 

Everyone says if you care about someone, make the time. I second that and during an emergency I would say make the time. You get a few self centered people that allow misunderstandings to get in the way of a friendship and that’s ok because you don’t need an immature friend anyway. 

People that suffer with mental health conditions find it harder to let go of a dead friendship and this is because they feel responsible for the friend ship ending and usually blame themselves for what transpired. A depressed person will convince themselves that they are nobodies in this world and anxious people will run through every possible conversation that could have  taken place to lead up to this break up. 

In retrospect, I feel like slapping the younger me, the naive, easily used and easily manipulated person that allowed too much for too long. Throughout my life I was the designated, ugly ,fat friend- but now I feel like my own person. I have embraced my insecurities! 

High maintenance, needy, clingy and self proclaimed Paris Hilton’s are unfortunately not good candidates for adult friendships. They drain your energy, they take time away from other loved ones and let me also include, their vibes completely set off your own vibes and you suddenly feel this pit in your tummy because you have been sponging off their emotions. The anxiety kicks in because all you can do is check the time because you know you have to go home and sort out supper. 

I’ll be honest, I have lost beautiful friends along the way and I wish them all the best still and have no hard feelings. We are all grown now so why hold a grudge. For me in my mental capacity, a friendship will only last if it’s easy. By easy I mean, I don’t have to chat to them in a month but when I do it’s like nothing changed. In addition to that, I don’t have to send good morning messages everyday. 

As an adult it’s ok to lose friends along the way as not every friendship is meant to last forever. Friendships run their course just like any other relationship and it’s important we understand that in order to move forward. The important thing is wish each other the best and move forward with life. 

Let me know your thoughts about this one and possibly share some of your own experiences. Scroll all the way down and comment in the text box. See you soon with part 2!